Hidden Data Points: The Relationships that Shape Us
As GenAI moves into spaces we’ve historically held for trusted confidantes, we data people have to delve deeper into our own very human, very messy relationships. Yet, we do rarely dive into this data until it’s gone.
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Data people often love to track patterns. It comes part and parcel with the work we do. Yet, some data points remain hidden, elusive, and often unexamined – the relationships we craft with others. Perhaps this data is too qualitative for us to touch, too easily labelled as a dimension we don’t need to pull onto the canvas to explore.
How many of us truly examine the relationships in our lives and understand what they add? Maybe it’s our nature to take for granted what is in grasp until it’s gone.
I’ve been fortunate enough in my life to have life-changing friendships. These relationships crystalize what already exists within you, allowing disparate pieces to come together as an unparalleled whole – call it kintsugi, but for the soul.
Unlike families of origin, friends are the first relationships we explicitly create. Friendships help identify facets of ourselves that might otherwise go unnurtured – the bookworm looking for other readers, the budding athlete finding others that like to move and compete, and the musician who hears something their family does not.
We build trust with key friends over the years, creating categories for people we may not always articulate. Some friends are great for activities, while others quickly become confidantes. We fill our lives with these relationships, letting some come in and others dip out.
The Average of 5 Friends
Adages tell us we “are who we surround ourselves with” or that we’re the average of our top 5 friends. We often choose relationships to reflect key values and needs at a particular time.
In childhood, proximity often defines friendships. Kids may find peers in the neighborhood, choosing someone within walking distance for play. The lines between houses blur and often one kid in particular stands out far above the rest as a preferred playmate.
High schools and colleges often serve as key places to find people whose interests match ours: whether it’s the nuances of a topic or finding life in a party or activity. These friendships are often alchemical, each person undergoing rapid changes and binding either tighter with someone or quickly pulling away.
Work relationships shift gears a bit: filling both camaraderie roles and mentorship needs. A work friend may be more senior in skills and guide you gently in learning a new tool or skill. Your passion may invigorate that person, who may otherwise be tired and burnt out by the daily grind. Proximity plays a role – lots of workplace friendships fizzle out when someone exits the company.
We may find other relationships from hobbies, introductions, or simply chance. Chemistry lights a spark and we get on like wildfire. Sometimes, these relationships last decades, while others may fill only a small portion of our lives.
Some friendships can last years with intermittent contact, while others fizzle out completely without regular watering. Life changes can also affect what relationships take precedence – new parents may find themselves prioritizing time with other parents.
In an ideal world, we have a varied mix of people in our lives – a mix of thick and thin relationships that make up our personal spiderweb of relationships. This inter-networked web supports us as threads shift and change.
AI: You can call me “al”
Some humans, like Mark Zuckerberg, look to a future with AI friends. We’re already deploying GenAI in various trusted settings, including therapy. The allure includes constant availability (who else can you ping at 3 AM and expect an immediate answer?), perceived higher empathy (re-stating techniques we interpret as active listening), and easing the fear of other humans knowing the worst of us. This last bullet is key.
Shame and fear of disappointing others often intertwine with limiting how we interact in (human) relationships. Machines, in these cases, can feel deceptively safe. We’ve spent years turning our mobile devices into confessionals.
Some of these years when spent on long calls with friends near and far. Other times, they briefly housed our social media rants – the long threads we carefully crafted before deciding it shared too much to post. They also hold our searches, the questions we asked Google, and our (not so) secret passions for advice columns and weightlifting.
In modern times, we are often the only ones that touch our mobile devices and, in many households, a particular computer. We have time to ferment in our practices with these devices – they are seen as ours and as intimate as a childhood diary. How often do you hand your phone to someone else?
GenAI relies on both macro and micro-patterns. It can “remember” conversations and weave those in, cultivating further trust in what is already perceived as a sacred space. The perception that it knows us ends up high, in part because we are accessing it from something familiar.
Yet, we underestimate the very patterns we perpetuate ourselves, that our behavior is predictable from the humans that know us as well. Your friend knows you hate how that one particular shirt feels, but you wear it anyway, believing it somehow helps you. The difference is your (human) friend may encourage you to let that shirt go, while AI may further perpetuate this myth.
Real human values
The Covid-19 pandemic accelerated the loneliness epidemic. We lost access to a number of spaces where we crafted relationships without realizing it. The barista that knows your drink down to the 2.5 pumps of vanilla? Yeah, that mattered perhaps more than you realized.
Tech people especially have been acculturated against small talk, in part due to efficiency and also what gets labelled as smart and introverted. Innovative technologies prize being at the forefront – if you’re versed in the future, you will survive. Or so, that’s what we tell ourselves: GenAI also presents us with our own reckoning.
Many of us within tech adopt a hard-mode mentality, striving to uphold our position like we would within a video game. Much like trying to get a server-first acheivement, we’re analyzing every detail within our microcosm and losing focus of what exists beyond that particular niche.
What goes in these cases? Small talk. Thin relations. The peripheral noise in our lives. And eventually, even some of the mid-tier relationships because our time is given to the grind, the hustle that we lean on to save us in uncertain times. In short, we live juxtaposed within fear and fight.
GenAI offers what seems like the perfect bandaid. It does the supportive work we so often thrust upon marginalized identities in our lives – often times women, particularly women of color. Consider how often we even mask AI as a white female. She’s supportive without being complicated. Sometimes, she’s even witty and sets us at ease. Sure, sometimes, we can change the voice – a choice we may make for comfort, clarity, or even alignment to our own identity.
Yet, AI isn’t a friend in this case. It’s a support system, yes, but one with downward power dynamics. It’s subservient, never bringing its own needs into the equation. It’s one-sided, and deceptively so.
Real people grow, change, and demand things. Real people argue, beg you to consider the alternative. They get angry, they take space, and they often require more from you than you may want to give at that moment. They may not hear you when you want them to, may disregard your points, or dismiss some of your concerns.
Sometimes, the very messy human things we hate are the things that help us to hold our center. They keep us aligned with the broader society, not letting us veer so far off from the world that we spend a lifetime wearing shirts that itch because we believe they give us power.
Who’s in your life? Have you told them lately why they matter?
Lots of people will tell you em-dashes are a sign of AI writing. Let’s be real about this: AI trained on writing like mine, so I had the em-dash first.
This post is still human crafted with a just a few fingers on the board and lots of starts and stops. All errors mine with pride. Not for AI reuse and consumption.